So much to say, so few words to say it...

It is always interesting to bring home a new baby. Things are so different, but so right, so happy, yet so tiring. Each experience is unique, and each takes a big adjustment. Yet at the same time, it seems as if life without the new baby never really existed before, and you can't imagine that she hasn't always been a part of your family. That being said, we haven't tried to all leave the house and be punctual anywhere yet, so I'm sure it will feel a lot different at that point.

Thankfully, in the most lifesaving of ways, Jared's mom is here and is a tremendous help. Better yet, she is staying until next Friday, at which point Shauna will come and help for another week. Altogether, I can't say I've ever had so much help, for so long, and so it has been a really great transition. I am trying to let go of feeling lazy and self concious about someone else doing everything I'm used to doing, and just relax and enjoy it, which, most of the time, I am. I feel very lucky I've been able to spend so much time just sitting with Elizabeth and enjoying her. That is always the best part of a brand-new new born, and after your first, you usually don't get that again, so it is a huge blessing. I suppose that has to be the upside of a c-section, you have the doctors blessing to really not do anything.

As far as the c-section goes, I am not a fan. I really had no idea before (though I didn't care to find out) how much more of a pain it is to recover, literally. I kept asking the nurse at the hospital, "Is it always this bad?" To which I got my favorite answer, in so many words, that "Advanced Maternal Age" makes everything harder. I should have seen that one coming.

I have always (as crazy as it may sound) really enjoyed the labor and delivery part of having a baby. (Epidural as my friend of course) I just felt like it was me actively participating in bringing this child into the world, and I never realized how bonding that was for me to the baby. I remember with Jack the exhilaration I felt when he finally came out, and that I had done this for him as his mother. It was the culminating experience where all the misery of pregnancy was finally accomplished, and I was able to feel the reward of my efforts. I guess its like the exhilaration of finishing a marathon, or so I've heard... only so much better because you have this whole new person to show for it. Plus, you get to hold them instantly, and watch and see everything that is going on with the baby.

Jared on the other hand, hates that scenario. He can't stand the uncertainty, the feeling of being utterly powerless to help or control anything going on, and most especially, the "smells and the mess". He hates seeing me in agony and not being able to do anything about it, and holding my hand and counting just doesn't cut it.

So, I was very concerned for him going into the c-section, because if the blood thing grosses him out, the O-R was not going to be a great place for him. He kept insisting however that it would be great. I personally knew I would not like it. I do not like feeling like a third party to my body, and having everyone in the room see and know what was going on except me was very disconcerting.

However, there was simply no other option. The day was a very emotional roller coaster of "she's breech, now she's not, she's breech, now she's not..." I even opted to give it one last effort of a version, which is where the doctor turns her from the outside. We did this a few weeks ago, and it wasn't hideous, so I wanted to try again and see if she'd stay this time. Well, this time, it WAS hideous. I can see now that I was the only person in the room who had any hope that this would work, given the baby's history, but at least they were very kind in supporting my decision to give it one last try. I just sat there and cried when I realized it a c-section was unavoidable. I tried to come around and just face the music, but I was still so very disappointed when I went into the O-R. It is very difficult to have, and look forward to, one version of events, only to have another come to pass. It is all good though, the most important thing being that she was perfectly healthy. As a result of her flipping so much in the womb, she had the cord wrapped all around herself, including her neck, so it's a good thing I didn't get my way.

It was interesting though, that for Jared, the experience was his best yet. For once he felt like things were orderly and controlled, and he watched with wonder as she was pulled from the uterus, got to hold her first, and participate actively in the nursery with her. I am grateful that if it wasn't exactly what I had hoped for, that he at least got to have a really great experience. Out of 5 kids, I suppose its only fair he have one birth experience that he felt was really special for him. Thankfully, he did videotape her being "pulled out", which I am really grateful I can watch. I really hated missing that part, and it was nice to see, even if I missed it the first time. I'm also highly impressed he didn't pass out.