Abundance

I just love abundance. I love the secure feeling of having lots of something, especially things like toilet paper and tape and batteries. Of course, having an abundance of some things, like say, debt, is not so fun, but in general, I love abundance. I'd like to try an abundance of cash sometime as well, I'm pretty sure that'd be fun.

But the type of abundance I really like these days is looking around at our family of 5. It just feels so much more satisfying than 4. Four never really felt like a lot of kids to me, but now with 5, it is a pleasant size little crowd of folks. An abundance of love, of kisses, of cute smiles, and big hugs. I just love having a lot of those.

So much to say, so few words to say it...

It is always interesting to bring home a new baby. Things are so different, but so right, so happy, yet so tiring. Each experience is unique, and each takes a big adjustment. Yet at the same time, it seems as if life without the new baby never really existed before, and you can't imagine that she hasn't always been a part of your family. That being said, we haven't tried to all leave the house and be punctual anywhere yet, so I'm sure it will feel a lot different at that point.

Thankfully, in the most lifesaving of ways, Jared's mom is here and is a tremendous help. Better yet, she is staying until next Friday, at which point Shauna will come and help for another week. Altogether, I can't say I've ever had so much help, for so long, and so it has been a really great transition. I am trying to let go of feeling lazy and self concious about someone else doing everything I'm used to doing, and just relax and enjoy it, which, most of the time, I am. I feel very lucky I've been able to spend so much time just sitting with Elizabeth and enjoying her. That is always the best part of a brand-new new born, and after your first, you usually don't get that again, so it is a huge blessing. I suppose that has to be the upside of a c-section, you have the doctors blessing to really not do anything.

As far as the c-section goes, I am not a fan. I really had no idea before (though I didn't care to find out) how much more of a pain it is to recover, literally. I kept asking the nurse at the hospital, "Is it always this bad?" To which I got my favorite answer, in so many words, that "Advanced Maternal Age" makes everything harder. I should have seen that one coming.

I have always (as crazy as it may sound) really enjoyed the labor and delivery part of having a baby. (Epidural as my friend of course) I just felt like it was me actively participating in bringing this child into the world, and I never realized how bonding that was for me to the baby. I remember with Jack the exhilaration I felt when he finally came out, and that I had done this for him as his mother. It was the culminating experience where all the misery of pregnancy was finally accomplished, and I was able to feel the reward of my efforts. I guess its like the exhilaration of finishing a marathon, or so I've heard... only so much better because you have this whole new person to show for it. Plus, you get to hold them instantly, and watch and see everything that is going on with the baby.

Jared on the other hand, hates that scenario. He can't stand the uncertainty, the feeling of being utterly powerless to help or control anything going on, and most especially, the "smells and the mess". He hates seeing me in agony and not being able to do anything about it, and holding my hand and counting just doesn't cut it.

So, I was very concerned for him going into the c-section, because if the blood thing grosses him out, the O-R was not going to be a great place for him. He kept insisting however that it would be great. I personally knew I would not like it. I do not like feeling like a third party to my body, and having everyone in the room see and know what was going on except me was very disconcerting.

However, there was simply no other option. The day was a very emotional roller coaster of "she's breech, now she's not, she's breech, now she's not..." I even opted to give it one last effort of a version, which is where the doctor turns her from the outside. We did this a few weeks ago, and it wasn't hideous, so I wanted to try again and see if she'd stay this time. Well, this time, it WAS hideous. I can see now that I was the only person in the room who had any hope that this would work, given the baby's history, but at least they were very kind in supporting my decision to give it one last try. I just sat there and cried when I realized it a c-section was unavoidable. I tried to come around and just face the music, but I was still so very disappointed when I went into the O-R. It is very difficult to have, and look forward to, one version of events, only to have another come to pass. It is all good though, the most important thing being that she was perfectly healthy. As a result of her flipping so much in the womb, she had the cord wrapped all around herself, including her neck, so it's a good thing I didn't get my way.

It was interesting though, that for Jared, the experience was his best yet. For once he felt like things were orderly and controlled, and he watched with wonder as she was pulled from the uterus, got to hold her first, and participate actively in the nursery with her. I am grateful that if it wasn't exactly what I had hoped for, that he at least got to have a really great experience. Out of 5 kids, I suppose its only fair he have one birth experience that he felt was really special for him. Thankfully, he did videotape her being "pulled out", which I am really grateful I can watch. I really hated missing that part, and it was nice to see, even if I missed it the first time. I'm also highly impressed he didn't pass out.

SHE IS HERE!

Elizabeth Damiano is here!

May 28th, 2008 at 11:29PM.

7lbs 5oz and 18 1/2 inches long.

Pictures

More to come....

Another broken "promise"

I apologize for not posting a picture. Long story, I couldn't find the electronic device necessary to connect my camera to the computer.

I had intended to do a lot of things today. For example, post a picture of me all glowing and perfectly coiffed as we arrived at the hospital to deliver baby #5! Next I intended to post a picture of aforementioned baby NEXT to that picture. Alas, the "on again, off again" thing with this pregnancy continues....

The good news is, she appears to be healthy, and unlike 24 hours ago, head DOWN in the launch position. Bad news, she failed her amnio and her lungs are not developed enough to deliver, even if I am 38 1/2 weeks. Also, I now get to call pretty much everyone I've ever met and tell them, uh, no, we HAVEN'T "had that baby yet", all those appointments etc. I canceled today and tomorrow, even some next week, they're back ON again. In fact, I may go all the way to June 2nd now, even if MIL leaves on June 5th.

SOOOOO, in the spirit of gratitude, here is a list of things to be GLAD about today:

1. She appears to be healthy, just not fully cooked. (My womb is no convection oven)
2. Jared got the day off.
3. Someone else is still bringing dinner.
4. I got to go to a 'kid free' lunch with Jared.
5. I got to forget my diabetes rules last night and this morning and gorge on glorious, non- complex carbs.
6. I am using my MIL as a babysitter this weekend so I can go to a hotel with Jared and do NOTHING but relax.
6. My regular Dr. will be back in town for the delivery. (We think....)
7. After months of not, I found the motivation to shave my legs this morning.
8. I can finish the basement before she gets here

8.

Tantrum

Ok, so it's been an inexcuseably long time since I posted. It just seems that everytime I think about it I am far too tired to do it, or so crabby that I'm scared I'll come off like the raving madwoman I am. But, feeling both tired and crabby, here's an update.

The first, most urgent news on my mind is the latest from my Dr. appt. I am now 37 1/2 weeks, and for the last 3 weeks he has told me that between the diabetes and the baby being breech for a while (no longer, thanks to a not-pain-free turning) that I would be induced by the 24th of May. (Saturday of Memorial Day weekend) He assured us that he was working that weekend and that we could safely buy my mother in law's plane ticket for that date.

Well, apparently, his schedule changed. Now, things look SO good with the baby and me, that they will NOT induce until FIVE days later, on the 29th of May.

Sooo, it looks like we can all just "hang out" and wait for the baby while MIL is here. Please, don't try to console me with "maybe you'll go early" type sentiments. My womb is apparently like the Ritz Carlton, and each baby is extremly resistant to leaving, even being 10 days late and drugged with pitocin. Besides, I'll be 39 weeks at that time anyway, so that already IS early.

Just not as early as I'd finally allowed myself to believe. You know how it is when you've promised your kids something, and promised, and promised, and then when it comes time to deliver (no pun intended) you realize, "Oh, crap, this really WON'T work today!" and you have to tell them so? You know that fit you see them throw? Well, that's me today.

Lucky for Jared he's been out of town for 3 of the last 4 weeks. Pregnancy and I just do NOT like each other much the last 4 weeks.

A battle weary soldier

Okay, so tomorrow is our 3rd IEP meeting (Intervention Education Plan) on Spencer's behalf at the school. We are FINALLY going to discuss results from testing we requested last OCTOBER. I have spent a few HOURS today gathering materials that relate to the findings from his testing to try to persuade the school exactly what course of action needs to happen next. Of course, I have been working with him at home since October doing precisely what we are now going to request them to do at school (as a reinforcement). Which means, that I, and our advocate Elaine via conference call, will be in so many words, telling them how to do their job.

That should go over well, don't you think?

It makes me very, very sad to think how many parents there are out there who do not have an Aunt who happens to be a reading expert to help them navigate the disaster of special ed in public schools. I think that it is the only reason I am bothering even talking to these people tomorrow, in hopes that maybe they will see that they don't really know HOW to help kids like Spencer. It's almost like talking to a group of "experts" who insist that the world is really flat, in the face of mountains of evidence that point to the contrary.

But, I have Spencer and his progress as evidence that what we are doing works, and works wonders. I could not be prouder of how hard he works everyday, and how far he has come this year. I'm ready to just forget about the "experts" and fix the problem myself. How sad it is.

I'll update how it goes after the meeting. In the meantime, I better get some rest so I don't just "lose it" in our meeting. Diplomacy is really Jared's strongpoint. Unfortunately, the (relative) expertise in the subject is mine! I figure Heavenly Father is teaching me how to be better at not offending people. That is as difficult for me as the short vowel sound of /i/ is for Spencer!

"Advanced Maternal Age"

Warning: May contain hormone infused statements

I always hate posting without any pictures, but given the topic, I am truly NOT going to posts pictures related to it. (It's bad enough to see video of pregnant me)

Why is it that in "the world" it is generally acceptable to be at least 35 years old before you begin to bear children, with 40 really being the age that is celebrated? I see all these women on Oprah who feel "glorious" and "alive", looking "radiant". Everyone thinks its just spectacular that they have waited until "the time was right" for them to have "a child". You get the idea that maybe you've missed something by starting in your 20's.

So why is it, that during EVERY Dr.'s appointment this pregnancy, it is pointed out to me that I am of "advanced maternal age", and there are all these extra, unpleasant things that the Yahoo's on Oprah never mentioned? Truly, I have never felt like such an old woman in my life, and this from someone who was mistakenly called 17 when I was 14, 23 when I was 18, and 30 when I was 25. Maybe I have that disease where you age remarkably fast and nobody's ever told me? (Remember that movie with Ralph Maccio anyone?)

First there was the Down Syndrome scare, which my doctor did everything possible to terrify me, even though the odds were still statistically very high. Then comes a diagnosis of gestational diabetes, which, by the way, SUCKS. Nothing is worse than being on a diet WHILE PREGNANT. (Jared thought I was crabbby when I could actually eat carbs) Checking my blood 4 times a day isn't great either, and I fully anticipate being put on medicine today at my appointment because my pancreas just can't keep up with the my insulin demands. With 7 weeks to go, I could very well be giving myself insulin shots before we're done.

Fortunately, Jack and Spencer are old enough to help me get by with the bare bones housework, because that is all that is being done. After getting breakfast and kids off to school I go back to bed for an hour while Ethan and Olivia play. (I'm not actually sleeping because I'm playing referee for E & O's various spats during this time) I finally get enough energy to try a shower, but after that feat, it takes another 15 minute "rest" to have the energy to stand up and blow dry my hair. I don't really know why I bother, it'll just get messed up when I take my afternoon nap...

So, if I've gotten my 2 naps earlier in the day, I usually have exactly an hour and a half of energy by the time the boys get home to help with homework, dinner, and maybe a load of laundry. We have actually switched to only paper plates and bowls to cut back on dishes. However, if Jared is not home from work by the time this hour and a half is up, the kids have to go up stairs (they know I won't bother climbing them) to avoid the still hungry, tired ranting woman downstairs.

So this is the new routine in the life of a woman of "advanced maternal age". I have to keep looking at the precious little face in our ultrasound picture on the fridge to keep myself from jumping in our still frozen pond. Of course, I just still may whack the doctor with his stethoscope if he says one more thing about my age today...

By the way, I'm 36.